A Rant in Italics
22:53
I don't want to be my eating disorder anymore.
I don't want funny looks from people
when I tell them I'm vegan and that it's a restrictive diet and that,
I shouldn't eat that way.
I don't want my mom to be looking at my knuckles, my dry cracked knuckles and have a worried look in her eyes and say,
"we should get blood tests" followed by,
"are you purging?"
my cracked knuckles are from the bleach at my work that myself and others frequently use.
I don't want to be having a huge panic attack on my new years vacation in the middle of a ski resort
and my dad taking off my ski boot, handing me a paper bag to breathe in and saying,
"we're not going down this road again are we maddie?"
I don't want my baby sister to be triggered by me getting frustrated with my boyfriend,
because when I was sick I had huge mood swings.
I don't want my mom and dad to be asking if my hearts okay after a hike.
I don't want to mention it anymore.
But I can't help it.
It was a huge part of my life even though I'm still not over it and still stubborn,
about the fact if I really did have an eating disorder.
Maybe I'm just fucked up.
I want to stop talking about it!!!
It's not my fucking identity!!!
But I can't stop!!!
I can't tell if it's because it's still all too real
or
I'm this person who wants to be seen as special with an eating disorder and that's all I have to say.
That I'm nothing else besides talking about my old eating habits.
That there's nothing else about me that's interesting.
That I'm nothing else besides talking about my old eating habits.
That there's nothing else about me that's interesting.
I'm so confused.
There's way too many things going on right now and I can feel my brain
Giving up.
There's way too many things going on right now and I can feel my brain
Giving up.
The dryer is going and making this awful sound and making my brain spin along with it.
I'm falling down this awful rabbit hole;
I want to grab onto something to make it stop.
But I truly feel;
I'm going to be like this the rest of my life.
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