mental health
personal
Big Fish
18:47
This is happening! This is really really happening! My brain is screaming this so loudly in the cafe I'm in, that I worry that maybe I'm REALLY screaming. But honestly, if I was, I wouldn't care. I'm smiling too hard and instead of with anxiety, my hands are shaking with anticipation of my future.
It was only a couple weeks ago that I posted a story that has been brewing inside for ages, waiting to be shared. The responses I received made me so incredibly happy. I never knew my experience would make an impact to so many. People confided that it changed their outlook on life: to look inwardly on themselves and to make change for the better. Others admitted that it redefined mental illness for them, to understand for the better of people they were close to. Your comments and messages made me so happy! And I especially loved that it motivated so many of you, myself even more so!
Throwing back to that post, it ended with, "Since March 2015, I have made leaps and bounds ahead from where I was...In a positive way I am beginning to find the balance between health and happiness. I'm not there yet, but someday I will find it and fall in love" And wow can I ever say that I've shot right through it and hit a jackpot of happiness.
My happiness baby was born when I wrote that first blog post. Since then, she's been growing up with proper nourishment, lots of laughter and motivation to live happier and healthier. The steps I took for her continued growth were quite simple and actually incredibly spontaneous.
The first one was a new years resolution; to push myself out of my comfort zone. Ah, comfort zones. The safe, warm, cuddly place where you can predict everything and everyone—without shitting yourself. I always thought of myself as one to do things that scared me regularly. In reality, it was my eating disorder thoughts and feelings that made it appear that way.
I hate things that I can't predict. I always wanted to have a plan. Before going out to a party, I needed to know what bus we were taking, what time it would be at, where were we sleeping that night... etc. I mean, in some circumstances that habit came in handy, but really I needed to let it go in some ways as well. I never breathed easy with anything that wasn't planned and had unexpected turns.
The realization I've come to is, I need to work on being flexible in life. If I can be okay with doing the splits in life, I can be happy and let go.
The beginnings of learning to be flexible isn't stretching it out on a yoga mat. It's being comfortable with someone else making decisions and plans. It's learning that being constantly right isn't a must. More importantly, it's being okay with eating pizza for dinner three nights in a row. These are just a few "exercises" I've put myself through.
I've been in Vancouver over the past couple weekends for my growing friendships that initially have been a big part of letting go. These people may not know it, but shit, I've let go a ton. I've seen it's effect through big improvements in my eating habits, my sleep, and my overall happiness level.
Being flexible starts as being incredibly hard to grasp. You notice how so often you love being in control! I loved making the plans for friends, I loved deciding exactly what I was going to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Anything unplanned and unthought out was weird and made me nauseous.
My first experience with learning to let go were plans to meet with a friend last Monday in Vancouver. After not much debate, I decided we could meet up and eat Chinese. To say the least, we didn't stick with that. I ended up with a great night eating pizza and drinking wine at 10PM. No other moment that I had had before added up to the happiness I felt that night. Letting go and being comfortable with spontaneity was addictive.
I had been thinking about moving to Vancouver since I could remember, but I merely looked at it as a unrealistic goal. Throughout my eating disorder, I went back and forth for treatment in Victoria and Vancouver. Something I couldn't ignore was the fact that when I was in Vancouver, I felt so at home and inspired. My thoughts were clear, I created healthy routines, and I was happy.
With much thought over the course of two weeks, I've weighed the pros and cons. Victoria, as I see it, I've outgrown. Even before this year, I've felt like a big fish in a small pond. Vancouver offers so many more opportunities with school, jobs and connections to grow into my full fish. This isn't a rash teenage decision. This is a mature, well thought out step forward. If I'm to stick to my resolution, I must leap out of my comfort zone. The first step being moving off this tiny island and diving into Vancouver.
It's not going to be all pretty. In order for this to work, I'm staying with family until I'm able to support myself entirely. But I've also begun my process of moving forward in only a couple days. This morning I applied for many jobs online, and even received a call back within ten minutes for an interview! It's so scary, but nothing has felt this good and this right in a long time.
For my education, I am enrolled with SIDES online, taking some high school prerequisites in order to be more eligible for universities. As I've been told, this takes discipline. I can't be lying in bed five hours a day watching Nurse Jackie. But! It must be done, I want to work hard and be the best person I can be.
The biggest worry for those around me are, my mental health. I know, I know, I just reached a recovery point from anorexia. Should I really be trusted to be living on my own? Taking responsibility for my health, working a job again, sitting down and doing minimum five hours of homework a day? Yea, I'll be honest. I want to scream. I want to say "Fuck, this is a mistake! I want to stay on my tiny island and live with my family until I'm 30!"
With a deep breath, I say to myself and remember, "Do what scares you Maddie. You know two things; you know Vancouver makes you happy, you know that it makes your eyes open so much wider then they ever did compared to living in Victoria. It's time for a change of scenery. Just. Fucking. Do it."
0 comments